


When All Is Said And Done

by serjaimeoftarth



Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Braime - Freeform, Brienne isn't sure she wants to hear it, F/M, Fix It Fic, Jaime has some explaining to do, Lots of Angst, Mutual Pining, Past Cersei Lannister/Jaime Lannister, Post-Episode: s08e05 The Bells
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-20
Updated: 2019-06-30
Packaged: 2020-03-08 14:19:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18896344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serjaimeoftarth/pseuds/serjaimeoftarth
Summary: Jaime survived the crumbling of the Red Keep. Brienne is both relieved and conflicted. Jaime wants to remind Brienne of the good man she fell in love with. But Brienne can't even bring herself to talk to him.





	1. Beneath It All

It had been days since the destruction began. The Targaryen curse had taken its form in the body of Daenerys Stormborn. She was ruthless. Uncaring. Completely and utterly true to her birthright. 

There had been survivors. Not enough. But some. They were hoping for more. Children digging through the ash to find their mothers and fathers. Mothers and fathers clambering trying to find their innocent babes. They would never stop searching.

“I can hear someone.” A young boy shouted. He was in a group. They were strangers. Bound together by sheer luck of survival. Bound together by grief and mourning. They all began digging with their hands. Throwing bricks around like they weighed no more than a feather. The determination to find another one of their own was overpowering.

A few more survivors came along to help. Desperately, they heaved glass and brick and stone and ash and mud over their shoulders.

“AAHHHHHH!” The screams got louder. They were closer. It felt as if they had been digging for an age. Then, relief at last.

“I can feel a hand.” A woman shouted. She dug furiously, as if her life depended on it. She dug and dug as others tried to help. 

She was right.

A hand clasped around her own. Holding on. A death grip to say the least.

“We need to pull him out. I can’t do it on my own.” She cried. Men and women aided her. Pulling. Pulling so hard the hand could easily separate from the body of the trapped. 

One more pull.

They all fell back. But it was worth the struggle. 

A body emerged from the rubble. A scream was let out.

“FUCK, IT HURTS.” That voice.

Face buried down into the rubble. A body lying there, shaking. But they knew. They would recognise that voice anywhere. Even as it was muffled by the debris of a fallen King’s Landing. A few survivors scurried to the body, rolling it over. 

There he was. A face they knew. A face that would never be forgotten.

Kingslayer.


	2. Love is a Dreaded Curse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She was relieved that he was alive. But she wanted to forget he ever existed. If only it were that easy.

“He’s alive.” Podrick announced.

Those two little words sliced Brienne’s insides apart more than any sword ever could. He’s still here in this world. Relief washed over her like the tide.

She _loved_ him. But along with the relief came the gut-wrenching anger and hurt.

She _loved_ him. But he didn’t love her.

That fact alone would remain with her as long as she lived. Jaime had seen Brienne at her strongest. He had seen her at her weakest. Jaime Lannister was a name that would be etched into Brienne’s heart for as long as she existed. Maybe even longer than that.

She _hated_ him.

No.

She _loved_ him.

She _hated_ that.

It was just her luck really. The one man she truly ever loved just so happened to be more in love with his bloody twin sister. The very thought of Jaime and Cersei made her shake with unease. She felt sick to her stomach. In a way, Brienne felt almost a sense of closure when she found out the Red Keep had crumbled, burying the love of her life deep with Cersei. That was it. She would never again have to worry about Jaime fucking Lannister. She could wipe him from her memory and her heart. Jaime who?

Jaime. The Kingslayer and Oathbreaker. The man without honour. The man she hated when she first met. The man she sort of grew fond of overtime. The man who lost his hand in order to save her. The man she grew to love. The man who knighted her. The man who she chose to lay with all those nights in Winterfell.

No. She could never forget Ser Jaime Lannister. No matter how dead he was.

She _loved_ him. He wasn’t dead.

And bless the gods above for that.

“He was hardly there. He could barely open his eyes apparently. He just kept cursing and crying in pain.” Podrick sighed. “I almost felt sorry for him reading about the state he was in when Tyrion saw him.”

“Almost?” Brienne asked her loyal squire.

“Well, he did leave Winterfell on his own terms. You asked him to stay. If he had listened to you and stayed with you, he wouldn’t be this way now.”

“I know.” Brienne sighed.

“You didn’t deserve that from him.”

It hurt too much to even think about that day. The way he just left, even after she begged and pleaded for him to stay. She gave her everything to Jaime Lannister. And he just…went.

She walked up the stairs and sat on the top. Her heart felt heavy. She could burn a hole through her gloves with how hard she was staring down into her hands. She didn’t look up as Podrick sat down next to her.

“It would be understandable, you know, if you wish to see him. I know he means a lot to you, even after everything.”

“Trust me, at this point there is nothing I want more than to see him for myself.” Brienne whispered, trying her hardest to fight her eyes from watering, “But, seeing him now? You see, I’m a strong person. I take immense pride in that. I always will. Ser Jaime Lannister, however. There’s something about Ser Jaime Lannister that makes me feel just a little bit more vulnerable. And after everything that has happened lately, vulnerable is not a feeling I want to succumb to. I have wasted too much time letting my guard down with him. And I know that if I see him now, my guard will crumble like that Red Keep. And I will be buried beneath it just like _her_. I refuse to let that happen to me.” She couldn’t hold it in anymore. The tears fell freely down her cheeks as she thought about him. About everything they had gone through together.

She _hated_ him. Hated him with a passion for what he did to her.

But she _loved_ him even more.

And for that, _she hated herself most of all_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I rewatched the Harrenhal bath scene. I'm not okay.  
> But thank you so much for everyone who has read this story so far. I am so grateful to you all. Please stick around as my fix it fic progresses (and hopefully my writing gets a bit better as well).
> 
> WARNING: The next chapter will focus a little bit on Jaime's past relationship with Cersei. I wanted to get it out of the way early on. It has to be mentioned.


	3. You Hurt Me So

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He had lived his entire life for Cersei, had he not? But she was pure poison to him and everyone around him. It's finally time for Jaime to let go of his twisted past.

He hurt. He hurt everywhere. He hurt in places he never even thought could hurt.

But none of that hurt compared to what he was feeling inside his heart. A pain so despairingly agonising, it felt as if that alone could end him for good. Finally.

He had done bad things. He had done things that many would describe as evil, sinful and unforgivable.

_He had pushed a boy out of a tower. He had strangled Alton Lannister. He would murder every man, woman and child in Riverrun, if she’d asked him to. Everything he had ever done. Everything was for Cersei._

And now she was gone.

He couldn’t believe it, really. The almighty Queen Cersei Lannister. First of her name. The most hated woman to ever grace the Seven Kingdoms. Dead. And not by a sword or a knife of her many, many enemies from near and far. No. The Queen fell with the bricks of The Red Keep.

She was gone. And he was not.

 

He was still here, somehow. By some grace of the gods. By some fucking miracle, let’s face it. He didn’t deserve to be here. Yet, here he was.

“Yes, you are still alive.”

Jaime was bought out of his train of thought by his brother, lying next to him on the cold ground.

“You think too loudly for my liking.” Tyrion huffed.

“Sorry if death staring at me straight in the eyes has me thinking a little too loud for you. But if I’m completely honest, I couldn’t give a single fuck.” He wanted to scream it in his brother’s face. But he found he couldn’t. It hurt too much. It barely came out as a whisper. Oh, the contrast between the volume of his thoughts and the lack off in his voice would have been laughable to some.

But not Tyrion.

“I’m sorry. It’s just…I don’t know. I don’t really know what to say.” Tyrion sighed.

“Then try not to say anything at all.” Jaime hissed.

There was an eerie silence in the air for a few more moments, before Jaime opened his mouth again.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be so aggressive.” Jaime sighed.

“There’s truly no need for apology. I mean, you did just say it yourself. A mere few days ago you were facing certain death.” Tyrion looked at his brother, who stayed staring into the winter skies above him. “I’m glad you didn’t die.”

Jaime turned back to his brother. “I don’t know how I didn’t. How did I survive whilst our sister did not? How does that work?” Jaime questioned. His throat hurt as he spoke.

“I suppose it just wasn’t your time to leave just yet.”

“I don’t know how many more chances I’m going to have. Cersei thought she was untouchable…” he paused for a second as he remembered her face the last time he ever laid eyes on her, “…until the end. I went back to die with her. I accepted death…for her. And for what?” Jaime sighed, “For her to succumb to the devils whilst I get yet another chance to live? Everything I have ever done was for Cersei, and now I don’t know what to do now she’s gone. I lived my life for her.” The words were like poison in Jaime's mouth.

“You live your life for yourself now.”

Jaime scoffed. “And how, little brother, do you suggest I do that?’

“You say you lived your whole life for our sister? That’s a lie.”

“How is that a lie?”

“You left for the North on your own accord. She told you she would kill you if you left, and yet you left anyway. You fought the dead on your own accord. Of course, we asked for your help, but nobody truly made you do that. In fact, those nights in the halls of Winterfell. The times you laughed and the times you smiled after the long night was over. You were living your life then. Not for Cersei. But for yourself.”

 

Jaime thought about those nights in the North. The long night was over and they had outlived the dead once and for all. Everyone was still on edge of course. Whilst that battle was won, they still had a long fight ahead of them. He had fond memories of Winterfell. He believed had made some sort of peace with Bran, although he could never truly be certain when it came to that boy. He had gained  _some_ respect from the men who were once his some of his worst enemies. He had his brother by his side.

“And I’m fairly certain that you weren’t living your life for Cersei when it came to your lady knight.”

His guard built up at the very mention of her. The pain in his heart grew even stronger when he pictured those sapphire eyes. Eyes that lit up not just a room, but his whole world. Eyes that shed tears when he woke up and said goodbye to her that fateful day in the cold courtyard. There were many sights that would haunt Jaime Lannister throughout his life. But that. The words. _Stay with me_. The way she sobbed for him. That sight would haunt him more than anything else he had ever endured. To know that he could cause her that kind of pain. He felt his eyes well up.

“She was strong after you left. She knew we had a fight to win and she’d be damned if she let something as trivial as heartbreak distract her from victory. But I know she hurt in her heart.” Tyrion set his eyes back to the skies once again. “She loved you, you know.”

Jaime let out a silent sob.

“I loved her too.”

 

And he let her go. For fucking Cersei.

Jaime Lannister was a true fool.

“And now?” Tyrion glanced back at his brother, meeting his teary eyes.

“And now, what?”

“Do you still love her now?”

He replied in an instant. “Always”

“Then let go. Let go of Cersei now. She’s gone, Jaime. It’s time to say goodbye to the past. Live your life now, for nobody but yourself. I promise you now, everything will fall into place. It’ll be a hell of a mountain to climb, but the view from the top will be worth it.”

Jaime wiped his eyes. His heart still hurt with a blaring passion. But not quite as much as before. _She always did have that soothing effect on him_ , he thought.

“When did you become the wise one, little brother?”

Tyrion chuckled. “I’ve spent time with many a wise person over the last couple of years. I suppose they’ve rubbed off on me a little bit.”

“Good.”

 

And with that, the half-moon shone just a little bit brighter, illuminating the night sky. Jaime looked at it with a smile. A reminder of what could have been. A reminder of what to keep living for.

Himself.

And Brienne.

“To climbing mountains.” Jaime whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing about Jamie's emotions on Cersei was actually such a task for me and I had to really think about it from his perspective. Anyway, like Jaime, it's time to move on from that now (thank God).


	4. Drowning in Feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When word reaches Brienne that the Lannister boys are headed back to Winterfell, Sansa caring side comes up, reminding her protector of what is truly important.

_The Dragon Queen is dead._

The war was well and truly over. That didn’t mean there wasn’t a lot of work left to be done. But for now, they could all rest easy for a moment.

Except, Brienne couldn’t rest at all.

She would be awake often through the night. And when she wasn’t trying to force her eyes to shut just for five minutes, she was busy polishing her already immaculate fighting skills. For what reason, she did not know. The battle was won. But rest would not meet her at the end.

She would catch herself wondering sometimes. _How was he? What was he doing? Was he safe?_ She’d silently curse herself for even thinking about him for a second. Why should she waste her thoughts on that… _oathbreaker_.

 

It was after yet another night of no sleep that she was called to Lady Sansa in the Great Hall. As Brienne walked through the doors, the room fell quiet. Sansa’s eyes fell on her, as did those of the men around her. She looked worried.

“Can I speak to Ser Brienne alone please, gentlemen?” Her tone was serious. Her eyes did not shy off of Brienne for a second as the guardsmen bowed their heads and took their leave.

“Lady Sansa, is there an issue?” Brienne was nervous as she stepped towards the woman she had sworn to protect. Was another war due to break out? Had someone been hurt? What else could possibly go wrong for Lady Sansa to look as concerned as she did. Whatever it was, Brienne was ready. She would fight whoever she needed to keep her oath to Lady Catelyn and ensure the Stark girls were safe.

As Brienne stepped closer to the table, Sansa finally dropped her stare, and instead looked to the ground as she rubbed her brow. She let out a deep sigh.

“Lady Sansa?”

Sansa looked up and finally spoke.

“The Lannister brothers.”

Brienne’s breath hitched in her throat. It had been a couple of weeks since she had last heard the name “Lannister” spoken in Winterfell. Everybody had known of Jaime’s return to King’s Landing. They had known of his subsequent survival through a raven from Tyrion. But that was it. After that, the name had not been mentioned. Not until now.

“The Lannister brothers, my lady?” Brienne couldn’t help but worry about Jaime. Yes, Tyrion came to her mind as well. But Jaime. “Has something happened to them?”

Sansa sighed once again. Heavier this time. “They are returning to Winterfell.”

 

And with that, Brienne crashed to the floor as her eyes welled up. She wasn’t ready for this. To see him again. Brienne wasn’t a fool. She knew she would probably see him again one day. Whether it be a few years or even a few decades down the line, when they were old and grey and their sparring days were well behind them. But so soon after everything? She was so caught up in her thoughts that she barely felt Sansa’s presence as she sat down on the floor with her.

“Tyrion has sent a raven. He has begged and pleaded for them to be allowed to return, just briefly, whilst they sort out their state of affairs. I wanted to broach the subject with you beforehand because as much as you care for me, Ser Brienne, I truly care for you too. If you wish for them to go elsewhere, tell me now and I will let it be known that they shall never step foot in Winterfell for the rest of their days.”

Brienne wanted Sansa to ensure that the latter be conducted. She wanted to yell from the top of her lungs that Jaime and Tyrion be allowed nowhere near Winterfell. Hells, she wanted to tell Sansa she didn’t even want them stepping foot in the North at all. She knew Sansa would see to it. So why? Why could she not let those words come out of her mouth?

She knew why.

Because as much as she hated him and desperately wanted to put Ser Jaime Lannister in the ground herself, she loved him so much more. She knew she would not be able to rest properly until she knew he was safe. And he would be safe in Winterfell. She would forever curse her heart for caring so much about the man who cut her so deeply.

She took a deep breath.

“Despite my personal issues with the elder Lannister brother, I do not wish him or Lord Tyrion harm as they try to make sense of recent events. Returning to Winterfell is what is best for them, and I can’t argue that. Let them return.” And breathe out.

“Are you absolutely sure, Ser Brienne?” She could feel Sansa’s eyes staring at her.

“I will make sense of everything in my head, Lady Sansa. I will be fine. I’m a strong woman and a knight. I’ve fought and won many battles. Yes, this is a whole different battlefield for me. But like I said, I am strong.” Brienne turned to Sansa, “And I deeply apologise for losing my composure there for a moment. I can assure you that it won’t happen again, Lady Sansa.”

“Brienne,” Sansa took Brienne’s dry and rugged hands in her own. “I won’t deny even for a second that you aren’t one of the strongest and most fearless people I have ever had the privilege to come across. But even the toughest and bravest of people are allowed to _feel_. That’s the thing that inspires me most of all about you. You fight well with a sword but you fight well with your heart as well. And I wish more people could be like that. Your heart is the reason I’m alive today. Do not ever apologise for _feeling_ , Brienne.”

Sansa squeezed Brienne’s hand and smiled. And for the first time in a long time, Brienne could feel herself smiling as well.

“Oh,” Sansa’s tone lightened ever so slightly “and I will make it clear to him as well, that if whilst they are here, he hurts you in anyway? I will have no problem with slaying the Kingslayer with my own bare hands. I make promise of that.” They both chuckled as they stay sitting on the floor of the Great Hall.

 

Brienne slept straight through that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH SNAP! The boys are coming back! How on Earth is that going to go for everyone? We shall have to see.
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone for reading so far. I hope you are enjoying reading this story as much as I am writing it!


	5. Welcome to The North

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They have come back to Winterfell to regroup. But with a rather tense atmosphere around him, and the looming prospect of seeing Brienne again, can Jaime cope?

It had felt like the longest journey of Jaime’s life if he was completely honest. And he had been on a lot of long journeys in his time.

He was apprehensive at first, when Tyrion suggested that heading back to Winterfell would be the best thing for them. He knew Brienne would be there. And he knew how much he had hurt her. There was no way Brienne would even entertain the idea of letting him stay there. And if Brienne refused, then Lady Sansa would definitely turn them away, even if she had to drag them both out of there herself. So, when they received word from Lady Sansa that they were allowed to return, Jaime could’ve gone into shock there and then.

It was no secret he was nervous to see Brienne. He mentioned her to Tyrion rather frequently on their journey North.

He often thought back to their nights together in Winterfell. When she would smile at him from across the table. When they would laugh together over nothing. And that night. That night when he finally laid with her. The way she looked at him when he touched her for the first time. The way her lips felt against his. It was obvious she had never done anything like that before, and for that Jaime felt rather honoured. As they basked in the afterglow, Jaime traced his fingers up and down her back, memorising ever line, ever scar, every mark on her skin. He fell asleep holding her close that night. He held her every night subsequent as well. The day he left and night fell upon him, he lay on his own. It was cold. He missed her with everything in him. He found himself tracing her lines into the ground that night as he cried.

He thought he was doing the right thing. The honourable thing.

It wasn’t worth it.

 

When they arrived outside the gates of Winterfell, Jaime felt his stomach churn with anxiety. He knew that there were people behind those gates who would be more than willing to kill him without a second thought.

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Jaime asked, not taking his eyes off of the gate in front of him.

“You want to make amends, am I correct?” Tyrion sighed as he looked up to his forlorn brother.

“Well, yes you are correct.”

“Well then. We’re in the right place. Living life for yourself now, remember?”

Jaime was about to open his mouth again when the gate dropped. Oh, fuck. The Lannister brothers were greeted by guards, who did not look too impressed when they laid eyes on the elder of the two. He couldn’t blame them, really. He envied Tyrion at this point. His brother walked behind the guards as if he owned the place. Completely at ease and relaxed. A stark comparison to Jaime. He followed behind in anguish. His head hung down in shame, trying not to draw attention to himself. The golden hand probably wasn’t helping his cause, however. As they arrived at the doors of Great Hall, Tyrion broke the sinister silence.

“Ah, hello young Podrick.”

Jaime’s eyes snapped up. Fuck.

“Hello, Lord Tyrion.” Podrick smiled weakly, before averting his eyes to Jaime. The smile quickly turned to a callous frown. “Ser Jaime.”

“Podrick.” Jaime couldn’t look him in the eye.

“I better be on my way back now. Goodbye. Have a good stay with us, Lord Tyrion.” Podrick took his leave, head dropping as he walked past Jaime.

“Well he wasn’t too thrilled to see you it seems.” Tyrion winced slightly.

Jaime couldn’t blame Podrick. He looked up to Brienne. He was protective over her, as any good squire should be. And Jaime had hurt her. It made sense that Podrick be angry with him. But it still hurt. And it made him think, if Podrick was so pissed off that he could barely look at Jaime, what was Brienne feeling?

 

His thoughts were interrupted by the doors opening. They were escorted inside, finding Lady Sansa and Bran sitting at the table waiting for them.

“Lady Sansa, thank you. I am indeed in your debt. I will find a way to repay you for this deed.” Tyrion spoke.

“You can start your repayment by taking that pin off.” Sansa replied, her lips pursing as Tyrion took off his pin and threw it to the ground. He had forgotten he still had it really. “You are here as good gesture. We have endured war after war, and I can’t face another one at this point, no matter how small. You helped us fight the dead and for that I am grateful. But you are no longer a hand of the dead dragon queen. Whilst you are here, you and your brother will help us around the grounds. Whether it be lifting metal or kneading bread or whatever.”

Her eyes turned to face Jaime. He gulped.

“You, Ser Jaime, are lucky to even be alive, let alone be standing here now in the North.” Her voice was as cold as winter.

He nodded in agreement. To be honest, Jaime was scared to speak at all.

“No task will be beneath you here, is that understood?”

Another nod.

“You have some enemies here still, Ser. However, I have ensured that no harm will come to you during your stay with us. Do not make me regret allowing you back through those gates, Jamie Lannister.”

Her eyes returned to Tyrion.

“You will be escorted to your chambers now.”

Both men bowed their heads to Lady Sansa as they turned around and escorted out. Well, it could’ve gone a lot worse. Jaime thought.

 

His chambers were a little smaller than last time, but Jaime was just thankful for a roof over his head. He sat on the bed to recollect his thoughts. This was the first time he had been by himself since he was reunited with Tyrion. He ran his hands over the furs covering his bed and lay down. He closed his eyes and let himself immerse in the thought of what was last time he lay in a bed here. He hadn’t been alone. She lay next to him every night since that crucial night after they had beaten the dead. He wondered about the other man. Giantsbane. Tormund made it no secret of his affection for Brienne, although she had tried to squander it on many they occasion. Jaime felt a surge of anger rush through him. No. Don’t think about that, he screamed to himself in his mind. She could do better than him. She could do better than anyone. Not one man ever to walk this world deserved to even look at Brienne. _Especially me,_ Jaime thought.

He must have fallen into a slumber, as he was jolted back to reality by a knock at the door.

“Dear brother, it’s time to eat.”

Oh, thank fuck. Jaime felt as if he hadn’t eaten a morsel in decades. He fixed his clothes as he opened the door to greet his little brother.

 

They walked to the hall in silence. Jaime was still on edge about being back here. Lady Sansa had given her word on his protection, not that he really deserved it, but still he found himself looking over his shoulder every few seconds. And every time somebody else walked by, he would hang his head once again.

As they were close to the hall, Tyrion came to a sharp halt.

“Oh, you are fucked, Jaime Lannister. Well and truly.”

Jaime looked to his brother, who hadn’t taken his eyes off of the sight in front of him. He raised his head and looked straight ahead. His breath hitched.

Sapphire eyes widened as they met his.

 

“Brienne.” It was barely a whisper.

“Ser Jaime.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, they finally lay eyes on each other after everything that happened. Will it be a loving reunion or a long road ahead for Jaime and Brienne? 
> 
> Thank you for the kudos, the bookmarks and the comments. The support I have been receiving means the world to me!


	6. A True Fool

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a bit much for a self-loathing Jaime seeing Brienne for the first time since THAT HAPPENED. Will he be deterred away?

Her heart ached greatly at the sight of him. She knew he had arrived. Word from both Pod and Lady Sansa had reached her quickly when he showed his face in Winterfell. She wanted to hide in her chambers from that moment until they had left. But then she remembered who she was. Brienne of Tarth. A knight. A strong woman. He had already hurt her. She wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of seeing her crumble like that. It was still difficult though, seeing him stand right in front of her. His eyes staring into hers like that. Part of her wanted to walk straight over to him and slap him straight across his jaw. Another part of her wanted to kiss him there and then. It was such a confusing range of emotions for her, and her mind couldn’t take it. So before either of them could get another word out, she turned away and hurried to her seat besides Podrick.

 

Jaime looked to the ground as she left, wishing that the hells below would drag him down to them. It killed him, the sight of her. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, before following his brother into the hall. His eyes remained firmly locked to the floor as they ate. One accidental look at her and he’d probably fall to the floor in despair. He had missed her deeply. And seeing her now only made him miss her even more. When he finally plucked up the courage to merely glance at her at what felt an eternity later, she wasn’t there. Two empty spaces where she and Podrick sat.

Tyrion noticed the disappointment on his brother’s face. “She left a few moments ago in rather a hurry. Perhaps a beck and call to Lady Sansa.” He said as he patted his brother on the shoulder. A gesture of reassurance.

“Yes, possibly.”

No. She couldn’t stand to be in the same room as him, he was sure. He understood that. Everything about him probably disgusted her now. Jaime took his leave not long afterwards. He didn’t want to be here. He wanted to be asleep so he could forget about this harsh reality and dream of what could have been.

_Stay with me._

He was a fucking idiot for not listening to her. He cursed himself as he walked out of the room, over and over again. By the time he returned to his chambers, he was in a seething fit of rage. The more he thought about how foolish he was, the angrier he found himself getting. He slammed his door with a slam, and sunk against it to the floor. His throat was tightening and his eyes began to water. He shouldn’t have come back here. It hurt him too much. It wasn’t fair on her either and he knew it. It would be better for everyone if he just left. After all, wasn’t that all he was good for? Letting people down?

Jaime waited for everyone to return to the chambers before he took his leave. Out of sight, out of mind. He had thought about letting Tyrion know of his plan, but he felt enough of a burden on his brother as it is. It would be better for him to just leave. As for Brienne? Jaime didn’t want to make her life more complicated by being here. She deserved no more pain from him.

As he felt the cruel cold air as he headed outside, he couldn’t help but shiver profusely. The fucking North and their fucking cold. Jaime didn’t know how they all survived up here sometimes. As he gathered his thoughts, he took one more deep breath and turned back to look at the place. As much as he hated the North, he was thankful for the fond memories he had here. For the times he had laughed and drank and… well for the time he had spent with Brienne most of all. He was unsure of where he would end up, but he knew one thing for sure. Jaime Lannister would never forget Brienne of Tarth.

 

“You’re a fucking idiot.”

Jaime gasped and swung his body round. There stood Podrick by the gates.

“What are you doing awake, Pod? Let alone out here at this time of night?” This was all Jaime needed right now.

“I could ask you the same thing, Ser.” Podrick retorted, stepping closer to the Kingslayer. He noted the stiff stance of Jaime. “Leaving yet again?”

“It what’s best for every-”

“Don’t even finish that sentence, Ser Jaime. Don’t. Or I swear I will fight you this very second.”

Jaime was taken aback. He had never seen Podrick display such a backbone before now. Brienne really had been teaching him well. But now was not the time for a battle.

“You don’t understand, Podrick. I have to leave now.”

“Give me a good reason as to why you are leaving. Again. In the dead of night. And without even an explanation.” They were barely a meter apart at this point. Glaring at each other like two men about to duel to the death.

“Well with the exception of Tyrion, nobody else actually wants me here.” Jaime spat out. “I’m only here in the first place as a courtesy to Tyrion. And to top all of that off, the one person besides my brother that I would actually be happy to be around hates me and can’t even look at me.”

“Can you fucking blame her for not wanting to look at you?” Podrick raised his voice slightly. “The last time she saw you, you left her to cry as you wondered off back to King’s Landing to die with your sister. You knew how she felt about you, Ser Jaime. You knew! And you left her anyway.”

Jaime didn’t know what else to say. Podrick was right. He was a true fucking idiot.

“You don’t get to this to her again, Ser Jaime. You don’t get to leave again without good reason. You don’t get to leave her again this way. She’s strong. She’s the strongest knight I’ve ever met. But she feels. Just like you and I. Don’t do this. Not yet.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HAVE SUCH A LOVE FOR PROTECTIVE!POD TO BE HONEST.
> 
> Jaime is at a crossroads now. Stay in Winterfell or leave once again. Will Podrick manage to get into Jaime's head? We shall have to wait and see...


	7. A Simple Ruse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So Jaime tried to leave and Podrick tried to convince him not to go just yet. Did Jaime listen to the squire or did he say goodbye to Winterfell...and Brienne.

It felt as if Jaime had just fallen asleep as morning broke. He knew he would get a knock on his door at any moment from Tyrion though, so going back to sleep was not an option for him. He was surprised at himself that he had stayed. But how could he not? He couldn’t cause anymore hurt to people he had already hurt enough. He realised that now. Podrick may still have things to learn when it came to actual fighting, but he put up a convincing argument when he wanted to. As Jaime sat up, the knock on the door he had expected finally came.

But as he opened the door, a face greeted him that he certainly was not expecting.

“Hello, Ser Jaime.”

“Lady Sansa.”

Sansa smiled for a brief second. “I trust you have slept well?”

“Uhhh, yes I suppose I did.” He didn’t want to speak of what had happened that night.

“Right. Well, I suppose I should let you get on with your day. May I ask though that you make your way to the Great Hall at midday, though. I have business to discuss with you.”

Before he could even answer, she was gone. Jaime shut the door softly and began to dress for the day. He was confused. Business? With Lady Sansa? Jaime was unsure what she would need of him. It’s not as if she wanted him there. Like she said, he and Tyrion were here as good gesture. Nothing more. Nothing less. Still despite his confusion, he had to get on with things.

 

The day went rather fast for Jaime. He had spent his morning helping out around Winterfell. Feeding horses, lifting heavy metal. He was quiet around the others. Something peculiar for Jaime Lannister. He had always been one for a sharp wit. Not now, though. He had trust to rebuild. At midday, he found himself standing outside the doors of the great hall, waiting to go inside. When he entered, he found not Lady Sansa waiting for him, but Tyrion. He had been wondering where his brother had gotten to this morning.

“You look confused, my brother.” Tyrion stated as Jaime walked closer to him at snail slow pace.

“I suppose I am, to be honest. Lady Sansa asked to meet with me. She said we had business. Although I’m not sure what kind of business that would entail.”

 “Look, you’ve got to know that word travels quickly around here. Myself and Lady Sansa know of your little…ummm…discrepancy with young Pod in the night.”

“Fuck.” Jaime whispered under his breath.

“Were you really going to leave without telling anyone? Including me?”

Jaime was ashamed. “I thought it would be easier.”

“For who? For me? For Brienne?” Tyrion snapped.

“You know what, yes. I’ve been a burden on you and I’ve hurt Brienne enough as it is.”

Tyrion stood sharply, “There we go again. Living your life for other people yet again. Leaving because you think that’s what _other people_ would want.”

“You know what, Tyrion. I’ve had enough of these fucking word beatings over the last day. I came here to meet with Lady Sansa.”

“Oh please, you know Lady Sansa isn’t coming.” Tyrion sat back down as scepticism washed over Jamie’s face.

“What do you mean she isn’t coming. She asked me to me-”

“You said it yourself, Jaime. What business would Sansa need to discuss with you right now? It was a ruse.”

“A ruse for what?” Jaime yelled.

“A chat.” Tyrion replied simply.

“A FUCKING CHAT? Whatever happened to just asking if we could talk.”

Tyrion shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly. Not a care in the world. “I mean, you can ask her yourself if you want.

Her? Who’s her? Lady Sansa wasn’t coming, was she? Just as Jaime was trying to put the pieces together in his head, the doors opened once more. He turned his body around and his jaw dropped.

“I’ll leave you two alone for a moment.” Tyrion whispered awkwardly as he gets up, almost backing out of the room.

 

Jaime doesn’t take his eyes off of the figure in front of him for even a second. He doesn’t even blink. He was glued to the spot. He could feel himself not breathing. This was too much. The room was dead silent. You would be able to hear a pin drop. It felt like hours until the silent spell was broken.

“Are we going to talk now, or are you just going to stand there and gawk?”

“Uhhh, I. I mean. Umm.” Jaime could barely get the words out of his mouth. The sapphire eyes staring into his very soul were both terrifying and mesmerising all at once. “Hello, Ser Brienne.” He finally managed to speak, albeit incredibly weakly.

“Ser Jaime.” Brienne walked past him, eyes straight ahead, not looking quite at him. She stood by the table, facing away from him. “Welcome back to Winterfell, I guess I should say.”

“Umm, thank you.” He turned to face her and was greeted with the back of her blonde head.

The tension in the air could be cut with a knife. It was awkward to say the least. Brienne hadn’t wanted to speak to him. She didn’t want to give him the time of day if she was completely honest. Yes, she was thankful that he was alive, but that didn’t mean she wanted to spend time with him just yet. What he did still hurt her deeply. But she couldn’t hide from him forever. As far as Brienne saw it, she could either cower in the corner or she could dust herself off and be strong. In the end, the latter took the victory. Brienne of Tarth was a knight after all.

“It’s nice you managed to last here this long into the day after that cowardly attempt to leave in the quiet of the night.” Brienne’s voice positively dripped with sarcasm. “It seems you have a habit for trying to sneak off without so much as a legitimate explanation.”

“I do not have a habit.”

“What would you call it then? An addiction? A thrill, perhaps? I mean, that’s twice now. Third time lucky after tonight perhaps?” She finally turned to face him. Her face red with anger. “Maybe this time nobody will catch you. You wouldn’t have to think of some horrid excuse at the last second.”

This was a battle.

“Brienne,”

“No.” she interrupted sharply. “It’s my turn to speak. What was it about me that made you want to leave so badly, Ser Jaime? All those years. I built up trust for you. I felt sympathy towards you. You knew that. You knew the shit I have had to endure since I was a girl and you thought it would be a good idea to treat me no better than them? You allowed me to come into your world, and trust you and befriend you and more. I vouched for you when you came to Winterfell as a man with one hand and no army. I fought alongside you in the Battle of Winterfell and you threw all of that back in my face. You knew how I felt about you when you lay next to me that night and all the nights thereafter. You knew all of that. Why? Was I such a burden on you that you figured that DYING would be better?” Brienne’s voice hurt. She may be the strongest of all the knights in Westeros, but she had a one achilles heel. And he was standing right in front of her.

“You think that leaving you was easy? You think I wanted to do that?” Jaime snapped back before Brienne could get another word in. “You think that seeing you cry like that because of what I did to you doesn’t haunt me all through the night? Because let me tell you right now, Brienne, it kills me to even think about.”

“If it was such a struggle, then why did you leave?” Brienne screamed.

“Because I thought that was what I had to do!” Jaime took a deep breath. He didn’t have the energy to shout at her. Not now. “You know what my sister was like. You know the hold she had on me.”

The very thought of Cersei Lannister made Brienne feel sick. Her name felt like poison on her skin.

“I felt it was my duty to be with her. Right up until the end. And you know what? I regret it. I regret everything about it and I’m sorry.”

Brienne felt as if she stopped breathing for a second. He regretted it. He was sorry for it. Now that, she never expected to hear him say. Jaime Lannister never regretted anything. Especially when it came to protecting his house. She looked at the floor, trying to find the words to respond.

“I loved you.” she whispered. “I loved you more than she ever did.”

“I know. I loved you too.” He really did know. Brienne did love him more than Cersei ever did. Despite everything he had ever done, Brienne loved him anyway.

“Why did you come back here?” she asked, looking him dead in the eye once more. He was closer to her now. Barely any space between them. If they were any closer, they would feel each other’s breath on their faces.

“Because a wise man told me to live my life for me now. And to do that, I need to make amends. With the North. With the Starks. But most importantly, with you. I know I have been a foolish, idiotic man, Ser Brienne. But I loved you then and I still love you now.”

“I can’t forgive you yet.” She wanted to. She wanted to push him against a wall and kiss him so hard it took his breath away. But despite how much she loved him as well, she still hurt. It would take time for her to heal. “I haven’t even begun to do so nor will I be able to anytime soon. You have to know that.”

“I know. I’ll never expect you to forgive me for this. But I want us to at least get on. Like we used to.” Jaime squinted, trying to gage what Brienne was thinking as he spoke. He had no clue, however.

“I don’t want to hide from you. If we are both to stay here for a while longer, then I agree that we need to be civil.” Brienne sighed. “For my own sanity more than anything.”

For the first time in what felt like forever, they both breathed out. A sense of relief and calm finally washed over them.

“I suppose I should get back to Lady Sansa. She’s expecting me soon.”

“Of course. Do give her my regards. And my thanks for allowing me to stay.”

Brienne nodded as she walked past. When she got to the door, she turned to Jaime once more.

“I’m glad you didn’t die in the end.”

Jaime smiled as the doors shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually really struggled to write this chapter. Angst is a tricky old thing to write at times.
> 
> Anyway, Brienne is of course still angry at Jaime for leaving, but she heard him out. It's going to be a windy road to forgiveness now, if indeed Brienne does forgive Jaime in the end.
> 
> Thank you for your continuing support. I am so very grateful. Also feel free to follow me on twitter: @sonnyrafi


	8. Arise, Ser Brienne

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sansa has business in Kings Landing. And she needs someone she can trust to look after Winterfell in her absence...

Three weeks had passed since Jaime and Tyrion Lannister’s return to Winterfell and things were starting to feel a bit more at ease for the elder Lannister brother. He was starting to get the hang of what was expected of him during his stay. He was more talkative. The others were starting to relax around Jaime as well. He hadn’t spoken much to Brienne since they had begun to move past their issues, but if they saw each other, they would partake in the usual small greeting and smile. Nothing more so than that. Baby steps. He didn’t want to overstep the mark.

Brienne was starting to feel more at ease as well. If she saw Jaime now, her breath wouldn’t hitch like it did in the first few days he was here. She would smile at him from across the room as they ate if their eyes met each other. It was a slow but needed progress for Brienne. They would better off for it.

 

“We will be leaving for King’s Landing discuss what happens next now that the Dragon Queen is dead. King’s Landing needs to be rebuilt and the Seven Kingdoms needs a new ruler. Arya and Jon Snow are already there, so Bran and myself along with a small army will be leaving in the morning.” Lady Sansa announced to everyone. “Whilst I am gone, Ser Brienne will be in charge. Big changes are coming, and I trust that she will do a wonderful job looking after Winterfell whilst we are gone.”

Brienne couldn’t lie. She had been in charge of whipping armies into shape just fine. But looking after the whole of Winterfell? Now that was a tall order. And as the sworn protector of Lady Sansa, she was nervous to see the Stark girl leave for King’s Landing whilst she stayed in Winterfell. In fact, Sansa had to practically plead with Brienne to stay put.

_“You are the only person I trust to keep Winterfell up and running whilst I am gone.”_

_“I made a promise to protect you, Lady Sansa.”_

_“And you are keeping that exact promise by staying here and looking after my home.”_

_“Lady S-”_

_“Ser Brienne, please. I will not rest without knowing Winterfell is safe. I know you will keep everything in order whilst I am gone. I won’t be away for long. I will rest soundly knowing my home is in good hands.”_

Brienne knew it was losing battle. She conceded defeat, under the condition that Sansa take a small army with her. The followers of Daenerys Targaryen were still in mourning over the loss of their queen. Emotions were running high. Brienne wanted to take no chances when it came to the Stark children, including Jon Snow.

 

The morning came around far too quickly for Brienne’s liking however. She was awake early with Lady Sansa and her brother, helping organise the final details of their trip to King’s Landing. As they prepared to take their leave, Brienne bowed to the Stark children. As she pulled herself back up, Lady Sansa smiled and pulled Brienne in, giving her a tight hug.

“I believe in you, Ser Brienne.”

“And I, you, Lady Sansa. Please be safe.”

They smiled at each other once more, before Sansa was helped onto her horse.

“We shall see you soon.” She waved as they rode through the gates.

Brienne lifting her hand, took a breath in and waved goodbye. She knew Sansa would be safe. But for now, she was tasked to look after the Stark home.

 _Fuck_.

 “You’ll make her proud, you know.” a voice alongside Brienne took her out of her worried train of thought for a second. She looked to her right and couldn’t help but smile a little.

“Good morning to you too, Ser Jaime.”

“She’ll make a good queen.”

“Yes, indeed she will.” Brienne said hopefully.

There was no doubt in the mind of anyone at Winterfell that Lady Sansa would indeed return a Queen. Including the mind of Ser Jaime Lannister. It was a tough idea to take in when he first thought about it, given who the last queen just so happened to be. But the nevertheless, he knew Sansa Stark would bring peace to the Seven Kingdoms at last. It was needed.

“So, Ser Brienne of Tarth, what will be your first act as acting commander of Winterfell?”

“My first act will be to find Podrick. He will remain by my side throughout the duration of my time in charge of Winterfell.”

Jaime nodded. “He’s a noble squire, I’ll give you that.”

“He is. He was a hindrance when you first forced him into my company, but he has learned the tricks of the trade rather well.” Brienne stated.

“I did not force him into your company, at all. It was merely a suggestion.”

“So, when I said I didn’t need a squire, and you wouldn’t take no for answer and made me take him anyway? What would you call that?” Brienne turned to her fellow knight. Now this was what she had missed. The silly squabbling. Podrick was good company, but he didn’t quite have the wit that Ser Jaime Lannister had.

“It worked out well for you both though, didn’t it?” Jaime grinned. He’d won that one. “Anyway, you go find your noble squire. You’re a busy lady now, Ser Brienne.”

“Have a good day, Jaime.”

And off she went.

He was just about to walk back to his chambers when he realised something. _She called me Jamie_. She had never called him just ‘Jamie’ before. It was always ‘Kingslayer’ and then ‘Ser Jaime’. Even when they lay together all those nights ago, she never called him by name. In fact, she didn’t really call him anything in the bedroom. She just cursed mostly. He smiled as he walked back, hearing his name in her voice replaying over and over again in his head.

_Jamie._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY IT HAS BEEN A WHILE! Apologies for such a long wait for an update. I have been super busy the last few weeks but now I am back and ready to roll on with the story.
> 
> So Brienne is in charge of Winterfell and making Ser Jaime all sorts of giddy as well. Maybe Jaime might be comfortable in Winterfell after all?

**Author's Note:**

> Wow. That's all I have to say on that final episode. Shoutout to Queen Sansa of the North.  
> Anyway, this is my first Braime fic. I haven't written any sort of fanfic in years so yeah bare with me. But I couldn't sit idly by whilst D&D do my boy Jaime Lannister and the love of my life Brienne Of Tarth so damn dirty like that.


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